Podiatrist's Dark Huma/ and the 've contraction/

Podiatrist's Humour

I use a local Podiatrist not because I have major foot problems, but because that my advanced age and fat belly I find it tiresome to cut my toe nails.

It's all very easy because Medicare pays for some of the cost, my supplemental health insurance picks up a few more dollars, and I am left with a modest fee,

So it was that I mailed a small cheque to cover my small balance on July 22nd.  The cheque did not get banked so with my deep seated fear of being in arrears with bills in mind I stopped by the office two days ago.  I wondered if my cheque had been lost in the mail.

Well no. It turned out that the Office had been closed for a week which meant that the staff were behind in posting payments,  My cheque had arrived safely.

I expressed my relief and ventured that I'd been worried lest the Doctor would  decide to amputate my foot (for non payment) at my next appointment.

The Book Keeper reassured me.  "Oh no", she said, "we would never do that".  

She continued "we do it one toe at a time to prolong the pain"!

Touche!

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The 've contraction in  "I've", rather that "I have",   is very useful in the spoken word.  It flows off the tongue very easily, and sounds less firm than "I have".

"I've decided" sounds more negotiable that "I have decided".

've can be less than useful for U.K. folks when used with "would", "could", or "should" in speech.

This in doubtless the spoken "would've"  sounds a bit like "would of"..

So I read and hear my U.K. friends saying "would of", instead of "would have", e.g. "I would of chosen a different route had I heard about the accident on the  M5  (or A38).

I shouldn't ("should not" ) let this  bother me, but it does!

(American speakers of English do not seem to use "would of"   for "would have".