When I get really ticked off (what not to say when someone has died).

When my good friend Bruce W died at home, his partner Ben M and some of Ben's friends took ourselves to the Lanai with our backs to the home 'cause Ben couldn't bear to see Bruce's body being removed by the undertaker.

That being done the hospice worker joined us on the Lanai and said "at least he is in a better place now".

I wanted to hit the roof and scream "you mean the mortuary".

My brother Steve died in his sleep,  His wife, children, grandchildren and siblings/siblings in law were (and are)  cut to the core.

On my return to the U.S.A. I was telling some friends about Steve's sudden death,  An acquaintance listening in to our conversation said "what a way to go".

This time I did scream, and was very angry. "What do you mean" I said, "my brother has left so many family members and friends who are in deep grief.  How dare you say "what a way to go" without even saying "I am sorry he died".

The same thing happened on Friday evening.  I was talking about Allan Rogers' sudden death and some idiot said "what a way to go".

I felt my anger rising.  I responded "you may think that, but never say it to people who are in in the shock of grief.

So many times at wakes and funerals I have heard well meaning people say to the grieving spouse or family "call me if you need anything".  Don't say that.  They won't call.

If all you can say is "I am very sorry" then say that, and no more.

Don't utter platitudes such as "time will heal" or "you have to process your grief".

The passage of time may numb the pain of grief, but it will always be there".

And it's ridiculous to say "you have to process your grief".  

Grief cannot be processed.  It possesses us. 

One last thing. The next time I hear some numskull say at the death of a child "God needed another angel" I will strangle that person there and then, all the while saying " now you can find out what it's like to be an angel".

Your friend jmp whose grief is real at Allan's death, but is nothing to be compared with that of his parents, his sisters, his daughter and her spouse.