A letter to the Times of London.
It has come to my attention that a game with the confusing name of “American Football” is gaining some popularity in our beloved and God-favoured England. It is a sign of our modern decadence.
This game may well be American. It is most certainly not football: that skillful and glorious sport which was birthed by decent Englishmen on our noble English shores.
In my day we engaged in the manly activities of Association Football, Rugby Football, Fox hunting, Hare coursing and Butler baiting. Those superb English pastimes led to the creation of the typical English value of fairness. They made us great.
The introduction of this so called “American Football” will lead to a decline in our morals, and a devaluation of all that is good and valuable in the English heritage of morality, deference to our "betters" and respect for middle class values.
True Englishmen will resist this with all their might. When their country calls them they will rise to its defence.
With the deepest loyalty to this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England
I am, yours faithfully,
The Reverend Major Hector Huffington-Virginia Waters,
Territorial Army, Frinton by the Sea.Vicar, St.Jude’s Church, Little Jingo, Surrey