Sunday, 20 September 2015

"The Donald" can't do his sums (or "Let's boot out naughty Canadians and Europeans")

According to Mr Donald Trump there are upwards of thirty million people from other countries who are in the U.S.A. without permission to stay.

He evidently pulled this figure out of thin air.  The best estimates suggest that we are home to some 11.2 million  (high estimates suggest 13 million) undocumented residents.

"We are"  says Mr. Trump "to deport them, and build the mother of all walls between the United States and Mexico".

Let the deportations begin.

We'll start with the easiest, the 600,000 who are here from Canada and from Europe.

Do you suspect that some of your neighbours are Canadians or Europeans who are here without papers.  How will you know if those neighbours are from Canada or from Europe?

Here are some tests.

1.  Are they exceedingly polite?  Could be a clue that they are Canadian.  (Be careful, they might  be from Minnesota or North Dakota).

2.  Run a second test.  Get them to sing "O Canada"  (in English or French). That will rule out polite Americans.

3. Discern if they talk funny.

That being the case -  they are undoubtedly Canadian.

But be careful.  They may be snow birds who spend a lot of money, and pay billions on sales taxes or property taxes here.   We only want to deport the worst kind of Canadians don't we?

And a alert -  some of these funny talking  neighbours might be from Europe.  You'll know this if they have failed the "O Canada" test.

That being the case, you can check up on them in two ways.

1,  Make them sing "The Star Spangled Banner" on key, with all the right notes and all the right words.

2, Ask them the name of President Buchanan's wife.

If they fail these tests, then back to Europe they go.

Thus you will have identified the Europeans who are naughty people, and shouldn't be here.

That was easy eh?


For the sake of argument we'll suppose that this 600,000 people are split up 50%/50%

That being the case we'll fly the 300,000 Canadians home.

For that we will need a fleet of Airbus A 380 'planes.  They can seat up to 900 passengers, but with a bit of gracious Canadian seat sharing we could probably shoe horn in 1,000.

We'll need enough of these 'planes for three hundred flights.  (Worry not, the Canadian Government will be happy to purchase them).

The logistics will be simple.

Departures will be from three of America's under utilised airports, Los Angeles, Chicago and Atlanta.

For the ease and convenience of our departing "friends from the north" the L.A. flights will be to Edmonton; the Chicago flights to Regina; and the Atlanta flights to Gander.

Next, the 300,000 Europeans. 

Like it or not the United Kingdom component will have to be identified as European,  I know that this is an unbearable hardship.

In the case of naughty Europeans, we will use economies of scale and transport them home using the  Cruise ships which can carry 5,000 passengers. It will need  only sixty one way trips. (5,000 x 60 = 300,000). The patriotic American Cruise Line owners will donate their ships and services free of charge.

Those bad Europeans who live west of the Mississippi will depart from that  liberal bastion in California, namely San Diego. Then it will be a hop, skip and a jump through the Panama Canal, and from thence "Eastward Ho".

Those who live east of the Mississippi will embark from ultra-conservative Boston.  (So tough for liberal Scandinavians I know).

Arrival points in Europe will be limited.

First, Liverpool (on the beautiful Mersey-side  Riviera).

Second,   Civitavecchia  (renowned for Italian efficiency).

Third, Piraeus, Greece  (not much happening there).


These plans are all so logical and simple that "The Donald" himself might have created them.  But I claim credit.


Having booted out 600,000 bad Canadians and Europeans, the next stages are a piece of cake.

We will deport (without any expense to the U.S. Treasury) other naughty U.S. residents, such as

300,000 from China,

450,000 from India.

525,000 from Guatemala.

675.000 from El Salvador  ("The Saviour")

350,000 from Honduras,

200,000 from the Philippines.


Should  Donald Trump,  Republican ideologues, and and other anti-immigrant groups  insist that first we expel first the naughty girls and boys, from Canada, Europe, China, India, Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, the Philippines et al ,(especially the devious Brits),then  we'd be able all join hands and sing Kumbaya,

Then  we could/should  gently request our immigrants from Mexico to build an enormous wall on the boundaries of Mexico and the U.S.A.

(A wall which will be our own prison wall).

That being done, we will (according to Mr Trump) demand that the Mexican Government foots the bill for this wall.

Mexico will of course pay up: leaving us free to expel  the 5.5 million Mexicans who mow our lawns, staff our nursing homes, harvest our crops, care for our children,  and dig our ditches.

It's all simple.

 It won't cost us  a penny.

 I wish that I had thought of this before "The Mighty Donald" did so.

My God, he is so brilliant.

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