Thursday, 2 February 2017

British huma

Via Pam B.   The Jester is British Comedian Ronnie Corbett (Dec'd)


It is rumoured that the publishers have recalled the long-awaited book on the history of Scotch Tape
Apparently, no one can find the beginning.

Complaints were made following the annual chefs' fancy dress ball last night. A woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made an improper suggestion to a man dressed in cake and sherry.
She made a proper fool of herself and he got a trifle excited.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins.
His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

There has been some good news for the burglar who fell inside a combine harvester while on the run last week.
His family said he'll soon be out on bale.

The sad news is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spenser P. Dobson, a famous compiler of crossword puzzles.
   After a short service, he was buried 6 down and 3 across.

The BBC canteen has seen better days. These days, they're having to resort to cheap gimmicks to drum up trade. Their recent one was three curries for the price of one ... so you got a good run for your money.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.
      Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

One of the weathermen has just become a father.
The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.

The first school I ever went to was a pretty soft school.
At St Pansy's Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a balloon on a stick while we were paying protection money to the Brownies.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. 
                If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

And now a message from the police in Finchley.
There's bad news about the two rabbits stolen from Peter's Petshop. Only 14 have so far been recovered.

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers
However ,the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint.
Both crews are thought to be marooned!

There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

In Hounslow this evening, a mad dog bit an income tax inspector.
After being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog has been allowed to go home.

The Prime Minister said today that the state of the economy was in no way connected to the arrest this morning on Dover beach of a large group of illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country.

Comfortable in hospital tonight is the man who heeded the warning of the Ministry of Transport to wear something white at night.
He went out dressed in a white hat, white shoes and white trousers and was run over by a snow plough.

The world's greatest jigsaw puzzle designer was divorced today after his wife found he was keeping a piece on the side.

A man who swallowed 
5 worth of pennies was rushed to Southend hospital yesterday.
Doctors say he spent a quiet night and 43p. They don't expect any change tomorrow.

News of an unfortunate incident at a circus in York this evening: the management took action against the human cannonball and fired him. 
          They said his act was over the heads of the audience.

Nobody ever writes to me. I get letters from my mother addressed
      'To whom it may concern'.

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